What Sleep Training Gets Wrong About Attachment

If you’ve ever googled “how to get my baby to sleep through the night,” you’ve likely stumbled across advice about sleep training—especially the “cry-it-out” method or the Ferber technique.

These approaches promise results: a baby who self-soothes, sleeps through the night, and helps parents reclaim their evenings.

But what gets lost in the discussion is something far more important than sleep: the long-term impact on your child’s attachment and emotional development.

In a deeply thoughtful conversation on Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Gabor Maté dive into the science and psychology of infant sleep—and what common sleep training advice often gets wrong about your baby’s core needs.

Sleep Is Biological—But So Is Attachment

First, let’s get this straight: Babies know how to sleep. What they don’t know is how to feel safe when they’re alone, especially in the dark, especially when their nervous system is still learning what “safety” feels like.

“Kids don’t need to be trained how to sleep. They need their attachment needs met, then sleep follows naturally.” – Dr. Gabor Maté

When a baby cries at night, it’s not manipulation or “testing boundaries.” It’s a biologically wired signal that says:

I need help
I feel unsafe
Where is my person?

Ignoring that cry doesn’t teach self-regulation—it teaches withdrawal.

What Sleep Training Might Actually Teach

Many popular sleep training methods encourage parents to let their babies “cry it out” in the name of independence.

But here’s what Dr. Maté warns we may actually be teaching:

That their needs won’t be met
That connection is conditional
That big feelings should be silenced

“When you don’t meet the need, the message the child receives is: your emotions don’t matter, and neither do you.” – Dr. Maté

And while the child may eventually fall asleep, that sleep often comes not from peace, but from emotional shutdown.

What’s Happening in a Baby’s Brain

When a baby’s cry is ignored, their stress hormone (cortisol) surges. If no one responds, that stress builds until the brain essentially gives up—not because the child learned independence, but because they learned it’s not safe to ask for help.

“You’ve trained them to sleep, but you’ve also taught them that their existence doesn’t matter.” – Dr. Maté

It’s heartbreaking—but it’s also not hopeless. Because for every missed moment, repair is possible. Connection can be restored.

Sleep Training Isn’t the Enemy—Disconnection Is

This post isn’t about guilt. It’s about clarity and compassion.

Dr. Becky acknowledges that many parents feel they have to sleep train. They’re exhausted. They have no support. They’re trying to survive.

“The version of yourself you were without sleep was not someone you could be proud of—and I get that.” – Dr. Becky Kennedy

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is connection.

If sleep training helped you function, you didn’t ruin your child. But if you’re wondering how to repair any disruption in attachment, here’s where to start.

How to Protect (and Restore) Attachment—Even After Sleep Training

1. Name the Experience

Even with babies, narrating the emotional truth matters. Say something like:

“Last night, you cried, and I didn’t come. That must’ve felt scary. I’m here now.”

They might not understand the words, but they’ll feel the intention.

2. Double Down on Daytime Connection

If nights are hard, make the days safe. More holding, eye contact,and skin-to-skin time. Play and delight in them.

3. Recognize What’s Yours

You’re not a bad parent. You’re a tired, loving human doing the best you can in a system that doesn’t support families.

“It’s not about blaming parents, it’s about recognizing that we live in a culture that sets parents up to fail.” – Dr. Maté

4. Repair Matters More Than Perfection

You can always come back to connection. Every moment is a new opportunity to attune.

Your Baby Doesn’t Need Perfect—They Need You

Sleep matters. Your well-being matters. But so does emotional safety. So if you had to let your baby cry to protect your own sanity, there is still space to connect, to repair, and to reassure them that they matter.