Don’t Ruin Regular Halloween

Don’t Ruin Regular Halloween
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Alright, remember when we were kids and those stories went around about razor blades in apples being handed out as Halloween treats? And how we were conditioned to turn down any candy that wasn’t factory wrapped because it could be poisoned? We all understand that that’s nonsense now, right? Nobody even uses razor blades anymore! Oh, you know a guy who knows a girl who found a razor blade in an apple? That was probably a hoax.

But check your elementary school newsletters and ~~hysterical~~ helpful local news shows and you’ll hear the reminder to accept only properly processed and wrapped treats. What a load. I realize the irony of saying that we’re being scared into ruining regular, normal Halloween, but doesn’t it feel like we’re trying to make something safer that wasn’t ever dangerous?

Some parents are so terrified by the idea of poisoned candy or freaky neighbors that they organize Trunk-or-Treats.



Most of the Trunk-or-Treats I’ve known are held by suburban parents in middle class areas whose children are more in danger of being helicoptered to death than subjected to a bad trick-or-treating neighborhood. Are there exceptions? OF COURSE (like the Trunk-or-Treat I attended in the parking lot of a homeless shelter…for the homeless children.) I’d got so far as to say that 90% of Trunk-or-Treats are complete B.S. Chances are that your neighborhood is perfectly safe. No, really. And you know what makes it even safer? When you choose to walk with your kids trick-or-treating and meet your neighbors. Yes, walking around your neighborhood and visiting the houses of the people you ought to know anyway makes for a safer 364 days of the year.

Does you child want to go trick-or-treating with their friends? I have no opinion on that. I’m not your kids’ mom. My kids either aren’t big enough or are just stupid enough to need me to walk with them. The most dangerous thing that could truly happen on Halloween is to have a car hit your baby, and that’s why I’m supervising our walk.

AND YOU, with your keys in your hand on the way to Costco to buy the same stinking mixed candy bag as everyone else on the planet, knock it off. Branch out. Get something that isn’t the same as everyone else. Hey, if you want to, you could even decide that you don’t want child slaves making your Halloween treats.

This year I’m even considering handing out homemade treats. Vegan carob bars. I kid, I’m not that militant (yet.) Part of me wants to go homemade just for the horror and uncertainty. Can you imagine the pure fear that will over come some hyper-vigilant mother when her darlings Braxtonia and Haizlee dump out the usual suspects…and then the terrifying specter of a clearly homemade, plastic-wrapped square of rice krispy treat emerges? Positively ghoulish, I tell you.

Tell me, are you as sick of the silly hysteria over Halloween as I am? Do you think we need to calm down and handle trick-or-treating the same way as when we were growing up? What are your deep feelings about Trunk-or-Treats?

Plus, whatever happened to pillowcases?