We're Wrong About What Makes Us Happy

We all think we know what will make us happy—getting the dream job, having kids, finding the perfect partner. But according to Harvard psychologist and bestselling author Dan Gilbert, we’re often completely wrong. In a candid and insightful conversation with Adam Grant on the ReThinking podcast, Gilbert unpacks decades of research that challenges the way we think about happiness, regret, and resilience.

Whether you’re navigating parenting challenges, recovering from a tough year, or simply questioning your life choices, this episode offers powerful lessons grounded in science—and full of unexpected humor.

Happiness and Why We Get It Wrong

We’re Bad at Predicting Happiness

Gilbert’s field of affective forecasting studies how poorly we predict future emotional states. We tend to overestimate both how bad things will feel and how long those feelings will last. Why? Because our brains imagine snapshots, not the full movie of an experience.

“We imagine the day we lose our eyesight. But we don’t imagine the thousands of days that follow.” —Dan Gilbert

You’re More Resilient Than You Think

People bounce back from adversity—job loss, divorce, even trauma—more quickly than they expect. Adaptation is hardwired into us, but we often forget that in the moment of panic.

“Believing that if you get knocked down, you will not get up again—you almost surely will.” —Dan Gilbert

Little Things Can Bother Us More Than Big Things

In a fascinating twist, Gilbert explains that we’re more likely to adapt and recover from a major loss than we are to a minor but persistent annoyance—because big problems force us to reframe, cope, and move on.

“Sometimes little things don’t bother us enough to do something about them—and therefore they can bother us longer.”

Parenting and Happiness: The Hard Truth

Despite what most parents say, data shows that having children slightly lowers moment-to-moment happiness—and that happiness tends to rise again when kids leave home.

“The only symptom of empty nest syndrome is nonstop smiling.” —Dan Gilbert

But there’s nuance: parenting may lower happiness but increase meaning—a tradeoff many parents are willing to accept.

Parents! Do This:

Normalize resilience. When kids or parents face setbacks, remember that emotional recovery is often faster and more complete than expected. Teach your children that bouncing back is part of being human.
Rethink regret. The podcast introduces ROMO—Regret of Missing Out—as a stickier emotional experience than FOMO. Gilbert advises reframing missed opportunities and recognizing that altering the past could have unpredictable ripple effects.

“If you change the red wheelbarrow, you might change everything.” —Dan Gilbert (referencing poet William Carlos Williams)

Be cautious with emotional advice. Gilbert challenges the cultural mantra to “follow your heart,” arguing that the sweet spot lies where passion and skill intersect, not just where emotion leads.
Take happiness advice from others (carefully). We often reject other people’s experiences because “they aren’t us.” But science shows others’ emotional reactions—especially from people similar to us—are often more accurate predictors than our imagination.

Brilliant But Flawed

This conversation reminds us that the human mind is brilliant—but flawed—when it comes to emotional forecasting. We underestimate our adaptability, overestimate our misery, and fail to see the long game. For parents and families especially, it’s comforting to know that even in tough seasons, happiness can return—not because life gets easier, but because we learn how to live better with what is.

So next time you’re caught in a spiral of regret, self-doubt, or fear of the future, pause. Take a breath. And remember: you’re likely more resilient than you think. The data’s on your side.