Have you ever walked away from a conversation and felt like your confidence just got chipped away? Maybe someone interrupted you, rolled their eyes, or gave you a backhanded apology like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” If you’re a mom, a parent, or a caregiver navigating the emotional load of family life, chances are you’ve been there.
On a recent episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel sat down with trial lawyer and communication expert Jefferson Fisher to unpack how to respond to gaslighting, belittlement, and toxic behavior. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult co-parent, your strong-willed teenager, or even a passive-aggressive family member, this conversation offers practical tools every parent should have in their back pocket.
Why This Matters for Parents
Parenting is an emotional marathon. It involves daily conflict management—with toddlers, teens, and sometimes partners. But it’s also where we can model calm, respectful communication and teach our kids how to navigate hard conversations. “You have the power,” Mel reminds us. “Stop giving it to people who don’t deserve it.”
1. Difficult Behavior Is Often a Cry for Connection
“Instead of seeing it as a conflict, see it as a bid for connection.” — Jefferson Fisher
Jefferson explains that people act out because they want to be heard. Shifting your perspective can reduce the emotional charge of a situation. Instead of labeling someone as “toxic,” ask: What is this person really trying to communicate?
2. You Don’t Have to Attend Every Argument You’re Invited To
“Just because someone throws a ball doesn’t mean you have to swing.” — Jefferson Fisher
Not every comment deserves your energy. Silence is powerful. If someone tries to provoke you—whether it’s your partner, your child, or that mom in the school pickup line—take a breath, and choose not to engage.
3. Use Calming Phrases to De-escalate Tension
Jefferson shared powerful scripts, aka “Jeffersonisms,” that you can use on the spot:
- “Is this something we have to agree on right now?”
- “I remember things differently.”
- “Did you mean for that to sound disrespectful?”
- “I need you to repeat that.”
- “That’s below my standard for a response.”
These are especially helpful during tense family discussions or when dealing with emotionally immature behavior from others.
4. Protect Your Time and Energy
“If the automatic feeling in you is no, then the answer is no.” — Jefferson Fisher
As moms, we often carry the emotional load of everyone around us. You don’t have to say yes to every last-minute “Can we talk for five minutes?” conversation—especially when you know it’ll be 45. Set boundaries.
5. Respond with Grace, Not Reactivity
- Take a deep breath.
- Lower your voice.
- Slow your pace.
- Let your breath be the first word you say.
“Confidence is quiet. Insecurity is loud.” — Jefferson Fisher
The more you slow down, the more control you maintain. And remember: our kids are always watching. Teaching them how to stay grounded in tough moments is one of the best life skills we can pass on.
Bonus: Dealing with Gaslighting and Narcissistic Behavior
Fisher offers one line that works in almost every gaslighting situation:
“I remember things differently.”
No justification needed. Just stand firm.
If you’re dealing with someone who thrives on drama (like an ex or relative), keep your responses neutral and brief:
- “Noted.”
- “I understand.”
- “Got it.”
Avoid lengthy texts or emotional explanations. You can’t argue someone into self-awareness.
You Are Always in Control
This episode is a must-listen for anyone who feels drained by daily interactions with difficult people. As a parent, your words ripple through generations. What you say today shapes how your children will handle conflict tomorrow.
“Everything about you can be compressed into what you say next. And it’s a beautiful thing.” — Jefferson Fisher
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