Your “Defiant” Kid Isn’t Broken—They’re Trying to Connect

In a deeply validating conversation on the Good Inside podcast, Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Gabor Maté dismantle common parenting labels like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and reframe “acting out” as exactly what it is: a cry for help from a child who feels unseen, overwhelmed, or disconnected.

The shift they offer is radical—and freeing. Because what if your kid isn’t a “problem” to fix… but a person reaching for connection the only way they know how?

Why the ODD Diagnosis Misses the Point

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a term often used to describe kids who are angry, argumentative, or hostile toward authority. But Dr. Maté challenges its validity—not just medically, but relationally.

“Opposition, by definition, happens in a relationship… so why are we diagnosing the child instead of the relationship?” – Dr. Gabor Maté

If a child seems constantly defiant, the question shouldn’t be “What’s wrong with this kid?” but rather, “What’s happened to the trust in this relationship?”

Children who resist adult direction are often kids who no longer feel emotionally safe with adults. They’ve learned not to trust, not because they’re manipulative or rebellious, but because their relational needs haven’t been consistently met.

Defiance Is Often Disconnection in Disguise

Instead of diagnosing defiance, Dr. Becky and Dr. Maté encourage parents to look at the bigger picture:

Is your child feeling emotionally safe with you?
Do they feel seen, heard, and understood—or constantly judged and corrected?
Are they resisting your authority because they can’t connect, not because they won’t?

When the parent-child bond is strong, kids naturally cooperate more. When that bond is frayed, resistance often becomes their only form of self-protection.

“Acting Out” Is Actually Communication

We often say a child is “acting out,” but have we stopped to ask: acting out what?

“We act out when we don’t have the words to say it. Children act out unmet emotional needs and frustrations.” – Dr. Gabor Maté

Here’s the hard truth: What looks like misbehavior is almost always a message in disguise.

Tantrums, yelling, refusal, slamming doors—these are signs that a child is overwhelmed by feelings they haven’t yet learned to regulate. They’re not trying to ruin your day. They’re trying to survive it.

Discipline Isn’t the Answer—Connection Is

That doesn’t mean you ignore hurtful behavior. Boundaries still matter. But they must come from connection, not punishment.

Try this the next time your child lashes out:

Pause. Take a breath before reacting.
Reflect back the emotion. “You’re really angry right now.”
Set a limit with love. “It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to hit.”
Stay close. Even when they’re pushing you away, stay emotionally available.

“You don’t punish a child for being angry. You don’t allow the hitting—but you also don’t hold the emotion against them.” – Dr. Maté

This approach helps kids feel seen and safe—two of the most powerful ingredients for emotional growth.

Rebuilding Trust With Your “Defiant” Child

If this sounds like your home right now—filled with power struggles, meltdowns, and disconnection—take heart: Healing is possible.

Here’s where to start:

Repair the relationship, not just the behavior. Focus on restoring emotional safety before trying to enforce rules.
Drop the labels. See your child as struggling, not “bad.”
Start with empathy. Ask yourself, “What is this behavior trying to tell me?”
Reconnect consistently. Even 10 minutes a day of undistracted connection can begin to rebuild trust.

And remember: Defiance is not a diagnosis. It’s often a signal—an invitation to lean in, not push away.