There, I said it.
My older boys have been asking for one, they’re 8 and 6, and clearly falling prey to the assault of Elf On The Shelf propaganda flooding the interwebs this time of year. I simply told them we don’t need a stupid elf to tell Santa if they’ve been good or not because I’ll just call him myself and I see EVERYTHING, so having an elf around would be kind of pointless and definitely redundant.
Besides, I’m far scarier than some kewpie faced man doll with mitten hands anyway, and definitely a more reliable source.
My general EOS annoyance doesn’t mean that I’m 100% immune to the appeal, but mostly I like to laugh at the Elf On The Shelf posts that aren’t for kids anyway and probably NSFW either. At any rate, these types of Elf On The Shelf efforts are right up my alley.
So let’s have a laugh (a grown up one) and no more photos of your dumb elf making snow angels in the flour from your pantry, plz. Kthanksbye!
Step 1. You put your junk in the box
I have three sons, this is my literal life.
via The Bearded Iris
How many babies are born in September anyway? (I’ve got one!)
You know the story, just paying her way through medical school.
via Babbling Dreamer
Because this soulless sociopath is coming for you next. BELIEVE THAT!
This elf gonna occupy your North Pole in his REI tent while sipping bespoke roobios tea steeped in spring water sourced from a bubbling brook in the upper Appalachian wilderness.
via Elf Shelf Blog
I would never post bail for this a-hole
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Just like Dexter, the stuff my actual nightmares are made of.
Oh sure, SURE. IS NOTHING SACRED??
Look away folks, nothing to see here.
via House TalkN
Why would you ever let this guy around your children, I mean, WHIPITS?? FOR PITY’S SAKE!
Little White Lion via Mommy Shorts
via Elf Likes It Bad
WALTER, WHERE’S JESSE??
If you’re not convinced this little man doll will murder you in your sleep yet, I’ll just leave this right here…
via Baby Rabies
This should be enough to get me through the holiday season, now back to your regularly scheduled candy cane skiing down a marshmallow run type of Elf On The Shelf posts instead.