Miscarriage and Grief

Breathe. Deep breath. I miscarried.
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I’m not sure how it’s possible to miss something so much that you never really had, but it’s possible.  My absence to this blog hasn’t been because of busy baby gatherings and preparations for the expectant bundle.  My absence has been due to cramping, bleeding, and severe sorrow for the loss I feel.  I’m not sure where I should start…so I’ll start with my recent doctor’s visit.  I began spotting and watched in horror as the spotting led to bleeding which led to my slow decent into emotional heartbreak.  As the ultrasound tech checked frantically to try and find a heart beat, my own heart beat began to feel dull.  The tech apologized as if had she been more talented she’d be able to find what we were in search of.  The tech then led me to a room to talk with the nurse.  It’s like a walk of shame…to have an enlarged uterus that’s empty among all these darling pregnant gals with actual babies thriving inside of them.  The tech was reluctant to walk away from a glassed over,  numb looking, mom to be want to be.  The nurse entered and talked over my options as far as making sure that all the stuff that needs to leave my body does so.  As I was waiting to get my blood drawn the nurse came in to check on me and by dang she hugged me…the dam that was holding the flood of tears was partially destroyed and the tears began to puddle on my cheeks.  I was desperate to stop…I still had an hour drive home from my doctors office.  I had my blood drawn and then I walked away.   I thought it would be easy to walk away from all of it…from the idea of having another baby, but it wasn’t.  It’s like you’re empty.  On my drive home I cranked up the tunes.  Normally Missy Elliot can move my body and get my mind to smile on the worst of days, but instead I sat there like a crash test dummy waiting for the next boom.  Then there was a mirage of songs and scenery, none of which I really noticed or cared about.  How to tell my kids?  My two kids that are so hopeful for a new brother or sister.  How will mommy tell them with out completely losing emotional awareness and falling to pieces?  I guess I’ll get through it because there is no other way.  That’s what life is made of…moments that we get through because we have no other option.  This isn’t my first miscarriage.  I swore that the last one would be the last, but over time pain fades away and excitement takes over your better judgement (thank heavens or life would be dull).  Soon this pain will fade away too, but for now I’ll cry for myself, I’ll cry for my lost baby, I’ll dust myself off, hug my two kids super tight with so much thankfulness that I will cry for that too, and I will keep my chin up heading for the future.  I don’t have any bad addictions I can fall back on….I’m not a prank phone caller who can release my feelings on innocent prey, I’m not a runner who can run myself off the road to scrape up my knees, I’m not even as addicted to chocolate as I once was…so I’ll just be me and I’ll do the best I can.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to love someone so much I would want to keep trying, I’m thankful for my body which continues to prove to be amazing and I’m thankful for all the opportunities and trials I face which make me stronger.  I may be M.I.A. for awhile, but I shall return!

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