The best way to cool off in the summer is to hide in an air-conditioned basement watching the new seasons of Dexter and True Blood while sipping frozen margaritas as your husband massages your flip-flop weary feet during the 8 hours your kids are off at camp.
Since this isn’t actually going to happen, we all simply turn ourselves into coconut-scented Sherpas and trek our offspring to the local swimming hole in the hopes of a seat both close to the water’s edge and beneath a wide umbrella.
In between calculating whether it’s time to slather yet another coating of SPF 100 on my kids, I like to take note of my surroundings, much like those anthropologists exploring new lands for National Geographic do. Only I get to wear more comfortable shoes and a snazzier straw hat while doing so.
And today, I’m sharing some of those poolside observations with you:
- Every accomplishment of your child requires applause, including going down the red slide, the blue slide, sticking her face in the water without crying, and floating.
- Kids never need to use the bathroom while at the pool. They “NEED TO POOP RIGHT NOW MOM IT’S AN EMERGENCY MOM. MOM? MOM DID YOU HEAR ME MOM? I FEEL IT COMING OUT OF MY BUTT MOM!”
- Pocket change is the unprepared parent’s diving sticks.
- Upon laying eyes on yet another plushly carpet-shouldered man, your husband becomes exponentially more attractive.
- The bar is always out of chips, fruit and soft pretzels by 2pm, yet always has a surplus of tuna melts and spicy chipotle chicken pizza. It never dawns on them to stock up on the former and 86 the latter.
- Sweaty napping toddlers are adorable on neighboring dads’ chests. They are insufferably uncomfortable on your own.
- Nothing is worse than being a tween all done up in your new hot pink swimsuit and mirrored Ray Bans, only to have your mom call out that she needs to “spray your behind with more sunblock, just in case.”
- The woman in the red fringed tanga bikini is simultaneously horrifying her teenaged sons, dividing the moms into groups of impressed/hatefully jealous, and getting all the dads she walks by in trouble.
- Every mom there brings something to read but never actually reads it.
- There’s always one super hot Latino/European couple with the cutest curly-haired bronze baby that everyone is oogling (no, not the baby).
- No child says “Mom – watch this!” less than 400x per hour.
- The water is always distinctly warmer in the little kids’ section of the pool than the big kids’ section of the pool. Everyone pretends not to know why.
What have you noticed while at the pool this summer? Any good stories to share?