As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in wanting the “best” for our kids—perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect performance on the soccer field. But perfection can be a dangerous trap. On a recent episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, entrepreneur Emma Grede (co-founder of Good American and founding partner of SKIMS) shared one of the most powerful lessons parents can pass on to their kids: the difference between striving for excellence versus getting stuck in perfectionism. Choosing excellence over perfection can have a lasting impact on their development.
This mindset shift can change the way our kids approach challenges, how they bounce back from mistakes, and even how they talk to themselves when things get tough. Striving for excellence over mere perfection helps build resilience and confidence.
Why Excellence Matters More Than Perfection
Emma explained it this way:
- Perfectionism is outward-focused. It’s about worrying what other people will think.
- Excellence is inward-focused. It’s about effort, pride, and knowing you gave your best.
When we teach our kids to value excellence over perfection, we encourage them to keep going, even when the outcome isn’t perfect. This helps build resilience, confidence, and the ability to bounce back from mistakes—skills that matter far more in life than flawless report cards or picture-perfect performances.
4 Takeaways for Parents
- Model the mindset. Show your kids that you take pride in effort, not just results. Say things like, “I love how hard you worked on that project,” rather than “You’re so smart.”
- Normalize mistakes. Kids who see mistakes as part of the process are more likely to take healthy risks and learn from failure.
- Use everyday examples. Emma shared that when she made sandwiches in a deli, she made the best sandwich possible. This principle—“how you do anything is how you do everything”—teaches kids that excellence in small things builds character for bigger challenges.
- Encourage effort over outcome. Excellence over perfection doesn’t mean being the best in the class or winning every game—it means showing up with full effort and integrity.
Family Conversation Starters: Talking About Excellence at Home
Dinner time or car rides are great opportunities to help kids reflect on effort, growth, and resilience. Here are some prompts you can use to start conversations:
- What’s something you worked really hard on today—even if it didn’t turn out perfect?
- Can you think of a time when you learned more from a mistake than from getting it right the first time?
- What’s one small thing you can do with excellence tomorrow—like making your bed, finishing homework, or helping a sibling?
- How do you feel when you give your best effort, even if the result isn’t “perfect”?
- What’s something you see another family member do with excellence that inspires you?
These questions help kids recognize that excellence is about attitude and effort, not flawless performance. Over time, they’ll start to internalize the message that they are not defined by being “perfect,” but by the way they show up, showcasing excellence over perfection in their daily actions.
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A Lesson That Lasts a Lifetime
Perfectionism can hold kids back, making them afraid to try unless they’re sure they’ll succeed. Excellence frees them to learn, experiment, and grow. As Emma Grede put it, “Excellence is about the effort in and whether or not the effort that you put in is good enough for you.”
The next time your child struggles with homework, stumbles on the field, or feels nervous about a big test, remind them: it’s not about being perfect—it’s about giving their best effort. Focusing on excellence over perfection is the foundation for confidence and success in every stage of life.
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