I’m not sure at this point I’d even know what to do with a girl and I don’t want to find out seeing as how I’m all full up on small people for the time being.
Raising children all of one gender presents itself with some unique idiosyncrasies as I’m sure other mothers in my same boat will attest. In my 7 years of mothering boys, I’ve gleaned a few nuggets of wisdom I’d like to pass along to everyone else finding themselves in the same boat:
#1. THERE IS PEE EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it actually gets in the toilet, more often it does not. The shower curtain? Yes. The floor? YES. The wall, so much. The seat of the toilet? Duh. On me? More often than you’d think. Pee is sterile I’ve heard, let us pray.
#2. Get used to witnessing tiny boy junk perched everywhere. All up on your pillow, the counters, the couch, kitchen table, nothing is sacred. Nobody wears pants around here I guess, I don’t know why. Someone help me. This kind of behavior had better diminish as they get older or else I’m finding somewhere else to live.
#3. There will be blood but there will also be tears. Many tears. Boys have feelings too, lots of feelings.
#4. It’s totally normal for my boys to settle an argument by punching each other and then crying about it a little, and then it’s usually over and they move on. Most of the time I actually appreciate this problem solving strategy and have thought about incorporating into my own adult life.
#5. As a mother of boys you will be forced to act like you care about stuff like Power Rangers Dino Force and the rest of the Power Rangers Dynasty which is extensive. Add in Rescue Heroes, Ninja Turtles, and any other annoying and completely unrealistic ninja or battle related cartoon involving robots, rodents or turtles of unusual size.
#6. Farts will always be funny. Always.
#7. Forget about expensive toys, nothing makes for better entertainment than a pile of dirt.
#8. It doesn’t matter which brand of jeans you buy, they will have holes immediately if not the actual second they are put on.
#9. If you’re like me and you can’t be trusted with clippers, be prepared to spend a small fortune on haircuts unless you’re okay with your boys walking around looking like sleepy hobos, which…sometimes I am. $30-40 every 6 weeks or so really cuts into Mommy’s caffeine budget.
#10. Boys play best in packs of 4-6. This allows for equal team Nerf wars, uninterrupted games of “Ghost In The Graveyard”, unlimited options for sport competitions, and the most optimal way to ensure that no one gets the shaft when it comes to being left out. Please choose your neighborhood accordingly so as to keep the ratio correct.
#11. “Get your hand out of your pants” is something that you actually say on a regular, if not daily basis.
#12. No, I am not going to try for a girl. Having only boys doesn’t mean that my mothering experience is somehow incomplete because I don’t have a daughter. I’m sure girls are great, but I’ve got bigger fish to fry rather than sitting around all day wishing I had one. I take that back, I do wish I had a reason to read “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret” to someone. I’ll probably read it to my boys anyway, they need the perspective, right?