Why I Have Stock In “Drano”

I reached into the drain of the shower, only to pull out a massive chunk of hair.
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“Hey, you guys,” I called out to my oldest kids, “which one of you took a shower last?”

No response.

I gathered them all in the family room and asked again.  “You realize I just pulled a small Chihuahua-sized clump out of your shower drain, right?  How are you able to shower in there?”

“Well I just stand in the shower and let the water build up, if it doesn’t drain right away,” was Ryan’s thoughtful response.

“So you stand in six inches of dirty water?  Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a shower?” I just shook my head in amazement.  “Don’t even answer those questions,”  I said before I could get responses.

I then realized that this was a diversion perpetrated by Ryan to get out of the real question I had posed:  where was all the hair coming from? The real answer:  my children’s aversion to hair.  Shannon’s 45-minute showers are punctuated by a shoulder-to-toe shaving of her entire body.  Kayla apparently adheres to a similar routine.  This explains my water bill.  Even Ryan has the smooth chest–and God knows what else–of a 10 year old boy.  No wonder my shower drain is completely clogged!

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I stood there, perplexed.  “Seriously, guys?  What is the problem with body hair?”

“Ewww,” the girls said with grimaces.  “Body hair is disgusting,” they agreed.

“Yeah,” Ryan chimed in, “no one likes body hair, Mom.”

I like body hair,” I said, to their mutual disgust. “You ever see the chest hair on Tom Selleck?  It’s so manly…” Before I could finish my thought, I was asked the inevitable question:

“Who is Tom Selleck?”

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I slapped my hand to my head.  I pulled up a photo of this ’80’s icon, and proceeded to show them that a hairy chest can be considered very sexy, by some.

“This isn’t the ’80’s, Mom,” was Ryan’s answer.  I should have seen that one coming… “Besides, shaving is just…cleaner.”  Sure.  Apparently everyone under the age of 40-something considers body hair in any form to be an atrocity against cleanliness.

(As a side note, I understand that there is a sexual connotation associated with all-over shaving, but that, my friends, is another blog entirely.)

“Well, why do people wear fur, then?” I asked them.  I knew pursuing this line of thought would be a fruitless exercise, but I just couldn’t stop myself from trying to make my argument.  “Body hair is there to protect us and to keep us warm.  If it weren’t useful, why would be have it?”

“We have gallbladders, too, Mom,” was Ryan’s snappy retort.

“Gallbladders don’t keep you warm,” I countered.  At this point, the girls had retreated to their respective rooms and I knew better than to continue a verbal altercation with Ryan. History had proven that he would use his magical persuasion skills to convince me that whatever side he was on was the right one.  Sound judgment and wisdom dictated that acquiescence was the only way I could emerge unscathed from our conversation.  I wish I could afford to send him to law school…

As I pondered my retirement fund literally swirling down the shower drain in a batch of Drano, I had an epiphany:  I need to also buy stock in razors.

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