Only the Nose Knows©

I can smell something in the next county.  I can detect unseen mold under a bathtub mat.  I can sniff out spoiled milk from behind refrigerator doors.  Like any superpower, this particular trait can sometimes be a gift, and sometimes a curse.
Author:
Updated:
Original:

Superman is able to see through walls.

Spiderman can detect things with his spider-sense.

Me? I can smell something in the next county. Yes, it’s true. I am Super Smell Woman (not to be confused with the significantly less appealing, Super Smelly Woman). I can detect unseen mold under a bathtub mat. I can sniff out spoiled milk from behind refrigerator doors. I am Super Smell Woman; hear me snort.

Like any superpower, this particular trait can sometimes be a gift, and sometimes a curse. It’s not a bad thing when the smell in question is something good like flowers, or fresh baked cookies. Most of the time though, it’s super-nasty.

“The dog did something bad downstairs,” I inform my husband as we lay in bed.

“What are you, Kreskin?” he asks.

“I can smell it.”

At that point he knows it is his job to go down and investigate, because if I get too close to the nasty smell, it’s curtains for me. Superman has Kryptonite. For me, it’s horrid-smelling dog things.

On the plus side, my super sense of smell makes it hard for my kids to get away with anything.

“You had cookies,” I say to my daughter when she comes to kiss me goodnight. “You were supposed to have fruit for a snack.”

She is flabbergasted. “How did you know?”

“Mommies know everything!” I inform her mysteriously. She thinks I am omniscient. Little does she know I can smell the chocolate on her breath.

Like most superheroes, I feel it is in my best interest to keep my powers a secret. To most people, I am simply, “Tracy Beckerman, suburban mother of two with an average sense of smell.” Only my family knows the olfactory phenomenon that I really am.

But then one day the unthinkable happened and the truth came out.

As I waited at the teller window at the bank, I said, “I smell maple syrup. Did someone have pancakes for breakfast?”

The teller shook her head no. The teller at the next window shook her head no. The teller at the third window shook her head no. But then the customer at the third window blurted out, “You can SMELL that?”

“Um, yeah.”

“That’s unbelievable! I have maple syrup-flavored lip-gloss on,” she announced loudly to the whole bank. Then she whipped her lip-gloss out of her handbag and held up it up for proof. “Maple Syrup, see!!”

Everyone turned and looked at the freak who could smell maple syrup lip-gloss across the room.

“I have a good nose,” I said sheepishly, and slunk out of the bank.

Feeling like a freak of nasal nature, I went off to the gym to try to work off my maple-syrup induced-embarrassment. As I contorted my body into some obscure stretch in a group exercise class, I leaned over to my neighbor and whispered, “Who comes up with these moves?”

From across the room, the instructor yelled, “This is a standard pilates move.”

“You could HEAR that?” I bellowed. “I said that in a whisper.”

“I have super hearing,” she admitted.

I was so excited. A comrade! A cohort! A fellow freak!

“So, you’re a superhero?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “I’m a mom.”

©2008, Beckerman. All rights reserved. For more Lost in Suburbia, visit Tracy Beckerman at www.lostinsuburbia.net, and check out her hilarious new book “Rebel without a Minivan” at Amazon and www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com

Related

iStock_000008862608XSmall

Making Friends on the Supermarket Checkout Line

Looks like you’re having a party,” said the woman on the supermarket checkout line behind me.  I gave her a withering smile.  I could see where this was going.

Resolving to Keep my New Year’s Resolution©

Last year I made a New Year’s resolution not to make any New Year’s resolutions because I always immediately break them.

I'm Gonna Wash That Gray Right Out of My Hair©

OK, I admit it: I color my hair. Sometime between age thirty-five and recently, the gray hairs started coming in fast and furious.

Chinchilla-white

How I Lost a Chinchilla, Freed the Crickets, and Ended up at the Dentist

The day started innocuously enough.  I made the rounds feeding all the pets, as I do every morning. I drove the kids to school, stopped at the pet shop to pick up more crickets for the lizard, and then I came home. And that is when I saw it:  The door to the chinchilla cage was open and the chinchilla was gone.

SINK

A Scorpion in the Bathroom is Worth Two in The Bush

“You found a WHAT in your bathroom?” I shouted to my brother over the phone. “A scorpion,” he said, rather nonchalantly.

Wait Training at the Gym

I heard a din from behind the doors and I cringed. My normally quiet, unassuming health club had been overtaken by the guilt-ridden victims of holiday overindulgence.

Parents are from Earth: Teenagers are from Mars©

My son went off to sleepaway camp, and when he came back, he was a teenager. I guess that’s better than having him come back as a cat or an iguana.  However the transformation was so complete, he may as well have turned into another species.

Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down©

“Congratulations!” boomed the checkout girl in the supermarket aisle as she handed me my receipt.  “You qualify for a free turkey!”