Asked to share his reason for grabbing a red toy car out of his friend’s hand over and over, then crying when his friend grabbed it back, a four-year-old boy explained with a scream, “I want it!’ When I inquired about getting him an identical red car to play with, his eyes teared and he yelled, “No, I want that one.”

We expect young children to have difficulties handling frustration. But preschool children aren’t the only ones who get more than mildly disgruntled when life doesn’t go their way. Look at the times we implode when we’re stuck in traffic or curse the fates when our e-mail is down. Children learn from our reactions, and in our fast-paced society impatience over not getting what we want as quickly as we feel we need it can model a generalized feeling of entitlement.

It’s as if we grow up with the mistaken idea that hard things shouldn’t happen to us. A broken washing machine. A child falling apart. At least that’s the way we can easily think when we’re  tired or we’ve scheduled more “to-dos” than there are hours in the day.

Children who have a hard time dealing with frustration need to learn to self-soothe. And we do too. Disappointments are an essential part of learning, and we need to coach children starting at a young age to comfort themselves and problem solve when things don’t go their way. Feeling angry about our children’s feelings of frustration (or our own) just adds gasoline to the raging fire. The antonym of the word “frustration” is “support.” Support calms us and our children and creates a broader picture.

Of course, children don’t want to listen to us when they’re upset. Talk can be agitating. But physically comforting a child during a tantrum shows we understand. Often children just need us to offer them the right words. The four-year-old obsessed with his friend’s red car admitted when I asked him that he wanted the car just because his friend had it.

It helps to know that we under-stand because many people feel that way. Haven’t we all felt that way numerous times? Scientific research shows that validating children’s feeling of anger or frustration is a major destressor. We can also coach children on what to say to get back in the game, to problem solve a creative solution, and help themselves feel better.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

Walking out of our downtown theater, my husband said he wished he could erase the movie we had just seen from his consciousness. He didn’t want the disturbing images stored in his head. One of the ways we try to rid ourselves of unpleasant images on TV or in movies is by telling ourselves what we’ve seen isn’t real, or at least not in our lives. That’s a technique we traditionally use with children too.

Movie going is a time-honored way of spending family time together. Dads particularly love going to Spiderman and Batman movies, characters they enjoyed as children. Most of us lament the fact that family movies have so much more violence and negative imagery than they did in the past. But what can we do? Conscientious parents explain to their children, “You don’t have to be afraid. That’s just a movie; it’s not real.”

Most of us feel reassured by the confidence that our children won’t grow up to be violent. After all, we didn’t. There’s also a common assumption that children’s minds have changed with the times. Aren’t today’s children more sophisticated and able to handle more exciting entertainment? Not according to important new neurological research. Evidence shows that children’s brains are not able to distinguish between fictional and actual violence. Scientists have found that particular parts of the brain are activated when children see violence on screen. The images are stored in the same part of the brain where soldiers hold memories of actual battles. Brain researchers have found that the brain takes violence seriously on screen and off. In addition, having parents nearby or hearing explanations about what’s happening doesn’t change the neurological memory.

It feels unfair that parents and grandparents have to bear the responsibility of worrying what a TV program or movie will contain. In the past, we were able to trust that Mr. Rogers or Sesame Street wouldn’t create a traumatic memory. Young children often act out aggression they’ve seen on TV or in a Batman movie. But of even more concern, their minds are often preoccupied with the scary images their brains have assimilated as real. Children talk about them repetitively and anxiously. Why can’t they just understand that the evil queen in Snow White won’t be offering them a poisoned apple? Because their brains won’t let them.

What’s a mom or a dad to do? It’s hard to turn off the TV. But parents who do find that their children actually occupy themselves for longer times in more creative ways. Many parents also find it helpful to share reviews of movies and resources on positive programming. For example, Scholastic offers films made from high quality children’s books. Most importantly, we can explore ways for children to relax and feel safe away from electronic stimulation, to enjoy the rich colors and sensations of nature, and to spend their time in active play animated by their own imaginations and childhood wonder.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

“Why is your chin like that, a preschooler asked my 87-year-old-mother, who came to visit our class. My mother said, “I don’t know how to answer that.” (She has droopy skin on her neck.) On a previous visit, a little girl had asked her, “Why did you get so old?” Inside, my mother doesn’t feel “aged.” She is just as surprised as these innocent four-year-olds to see the changes aging has imprinted on her appearance in the mirror. I mention this because January is one of the months that magazines urge adults (especially women) to take stock of their physical appearance. Most women’s magazines hit the stands with at least one diet or  exercise feature since people are often eager to reverse overeating trends as the year begins. The relationship between good health, eating well, and exercising has become part of our knowledge base. But what about our culture’s fear of aging and its effect on our children?

A few years ago, a little girl was afraid to go outside her preschool room because a teacher (one of the sweetest people on our staff) in her seventies with white hair might be out there supervising. The girl’s mother made cookies for her daughter to give to the teacher – one of many efforts she made to help them become friends. We want our children to think of people, and especially themselves. as precious whether or not they match the latest media ideal. Research now suggests that 80 percent of fourth grade girls say they are on a diet.

Articles on the health problems associated with girls’ distorted body images in a culture that celebrates a trend called “lookism” (being good looking is what gives you value) abound. Before media defined how one should look, young people might be exposed to only a few unusually good-looking people during their whole adolescence. Now that number can be multiplied exponentially in one TV viewing day. A question for both genders arises: “How do children perceive people who don’t fit into the good-looks norm?” One study showed that when researchers showed silhouettes of people who looked obese, children characterized them as bad, stupid, and ugly. Research shows that one powerful influence on children’s body images is their parents’ attitudes.

We can all start by examining the way we react to physical appearance and speak about it. Can old people be appealing? What about those with disabilities? How about those who are unusually tall or short or overweight? Think back to your childhood and how you responded to people who looked different. In the past, there was a tendency to find people who are different than us scary, to tease them or avoid them. Differences can even make us feel threatened or angry as adults. The real question is how we regard the “being” of people in relation to their outward appearance and whether or not we make them “other” – people who don’t count, whose feelings we can disregard.

Psychologists believe that parents and teachers can contribute a much-needed holistic perspective on body image. They can talk back to TV advertisements, as well as stereotypes in books, magazines, and on TV. “Why does that picture make the old woman seem ugly?”  “Did you know people who use their arms to move their wheelchairs have to be super strong?” We can talk about physical appearances as changing over time and what it feels like to be someone whom others don’t want to look at or be around. Such empathy is important because we want children to feel worthy of high self-regard no matter how others react to their appearance at any age. Outer appearance does change through different phases of development, ill health, accident, aging, and it’s important to speak the way we look as transitory. “This is the way you look now. but some day you will be an old woman.”

Focusing on the need to cherish each person’s heart – no matter how different his appearance may seem – prevents the human tendency to “otherize” people. So does being around people of all colors, sizes, shapes, capacities, and talking about the reality that we all have the same feelings – the yearning for unconditional acceptance. We can notice and comment on differences in positive ways: “I love her beautiful white hair.” “Isn’t she brave to use a walker when it’s hard not to fall down?” “Look at Adam’s beautiful chocolate-colored skin.” “I admire the way Sally dresses like a boy because she feels it suits her better.” Comments like these prevent negative stereotyping and fear of difference.

Thinking about the golden core of every human being and finding ways to appreciate outer differences can be a good way to start the new year.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

A friend of mine used to scream Nooo!” when her child fell down. Her screaming was more startling than her child tripping. I often wondered if her daughter adopted the attitude that falling down was a tragic event. As adults, the impulse to “fix” things often makes us react when something goes wrong with a child. Books often advise us against intervening, for example, when a child is having a tantrum or siblings are fighting. However, these “blanket rules” for interacting can easily mislead or confuse us.

It’s more helpful to reflect about intervention and when it supports those involved and when it undermines their abilities to handle things for themselves. I sometimes find when I watch children to see if children can handle an argument that situations resolve themselves. Other times, no response could cause “wrong thinking.” Let’s talk about circumstances that propel us to act and think about our choices.

A child screaming in disappointment or frustration

We can show we understand and accept children’s feelings without trying to talk them out of feeling disappointed or mad.

Siblings hitting each other

We always need to intervene if children are hurting each other. Children should never infer from our non-action that physical aggression is okay. But one person doesn’t have to be wrong. You can help them work out their conflict with words.

A child yelling at another child

Yelling often gets our adrenaline flowing. At another school, I once heard an adult yell at a child who was raising his voice, “Use your words!” However, yelling is using words, and sometimes when children are trying to establish a boundary with someone else, they have to yell. If they said “I was using that first” in a soft voice, they could easily be ignored. As adults, we want to watch two things—whether the person yelling is maintaining self-control and whether the listener is overwhelmed. We could also observe the emotions – “It sounds like you’re angry!”– then ask the other child, “How are you feeling?” We could also offer each compliments for not hitting or name calling (if that’s the case).

If feelings are hurt, we can request that the angry child state her needs in a calmer voice.

When young children are cooperating on a project, there is often loud talking. Standing back to see if they can communicate often brings wonderful results.

Your colleague or partner or a relative is expressing anger toward a child

It depends. There is a difference between an adult saying “I’m upset that you did that” and yelling in a way that intimidates a child. We want children to learn that they have a different relationship with each person, and people get upset about different things. Sometimes we don’t have to do anything. However, if an adult is losing self-control and belittling a child, we might say, “I understand how you’re feeling. Do you want me to take over for a few minutes?” Often just stating our understanding will defuse the situation. If an adult is swearing at a child, calling him names, or hitting, we would always ask to take over.

Children wrestling or playing shooting games

At school we don’t allow children to wrestle because someone usually gets hurt. Shooting games aren’t allowed at school, though young children show enormous creativity in devising toy guns. However, as we know from our own childhoods, wanting to explore these activities is normal. You can set up your own rules at home but explain to your child that other situations may have different guidelines. This is important because we sometimes find that children who roughhouse at home hurt people unintentionally at school because that’s the way they think people play.

Children saying they are bullied at school

Intervene by talking to your child’s teacher about her perspective on the situation. If your child does feel intimidated by a schoolmate, you can role-play how to speak up or ask your child what ideas he has for handling the situation. The main goal is to help a child feel empowered to respond in situations for herself. There’s a wonderful picture book about a father supporting his son who feels bullied at the playground without telling him exactly what to do, only validating his feelings and asking questions. The intervention we want to avoid is accusing another parent of not disciplining her child or confronting the “intimidating” child ourselves. Children and adults have a whole range of temperaments, and we want children to feel confident and brave interacting with almost anyone.

Child calling a person who isn’t present names while expressing anger to us

We could say, “I understand why you’re angry, and that’s fine. But we have to respect other people by not calling them names.” When we establish the habit of not belittling people whether they are present or not, relationships flow more positively.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

I wish we could create a list of questions that make children want to talk. When it comes to creating conversation and learning, questions can be parent’s or teacher’s best friend. Positive queries lead children (and adults) to pause and think and even call on their highest understanding. As one six-year-old commented, “Sometimes questions help you learn what you already know.”

Most of us have been well-schooled in the art of “deficit thinking,” starting with “What’s wrong?” or “How can we fix this problem?” This orientation leads us simply to ask questions that make a strong impression on a child, like “Why would you ever do such a thing?” Unfortunately, this question rarely prompts a child to stop to answer. However, if we really want a child to reflect on a behavior or situation, a neutral question will often encourage him to open up. “Is there another way you could ask for that?” “How were you feeling toward your brother when you did that?” “Why do you think that’s against the rules?” “How could you make your friend feel better?” “How can we all feel happier?”

Questions, unlike lectures, can help overcome resistance. Instead of asking a child, “Why haven’t you cleaned up your room?” a parent could try inquiring, “What do you think a good first step would be?” In preschool at clean-up time, we ask, “Who would like to be in charge of putting away the small blocks?” We want to break down the task into “doable” steps as well as preserve a positive tone. We also try to avoid competitive question like “Who can get this done the most quickly?” since there will always be a winner and loser. Questions like “How can we help each other and get our chores don earlier?” promote cooperation.

The subject of asking the right positive question is actually a whole field of study called “appreciative inquiry” that has implications for creating change in every area of society. One of its premises is that forming the right question enables people to switch from a deficit orientation to one that builds strengths. You can look up this new approach to problem solving online.

We can also promote positive behavior by asking children questions when things are going well. At circle time a teacher might ask, “Tommy, how are you managing to sit so quietly?” or “Ceci, how did you stay with that puzzle so long?” These appreciative questions don’t necessarily call for an answer (though sometimes children will answer), but they do bring awareness to what self-control or concentration feels like. They can also be applied to group activities. “How did you cooperate to get so much done?” “How did our family have such a happy day?” When we speak from our hearts with real sincerity, a question like “How did you stay so patient when you had to wait for me?’ often makes a child beam.

For an experience of delight, try asking children about really expansive issues. In a program in England, researchers presented philosophical questions like “What is beauty?” to children. In a film called Socrates for Six-Year-Olds (available on YouTube), children discuss their thought processes, whether one can “think with the heart” and where thoughts are stored. One of the little girls said, “Sometimes I use up all my thoughts in the morning. Then I don’t have any for the rest of the day.” Philosophical questions based on positive thinking can change a child’s mood. Sometimes I ask children, “Why is today such a special day?” This usually begins a lively discussion about all the wonderful things that have happened. Asking children about their perceptions also builds their thinking skills. When your child asks, “Why?” try Socrates’ ancient thought-building process of answering a question with another query.

The questions we ask ourselves about ourselves may be the most important ones of all. How often do you ask yourself, “Why would you do something so stupid?” Asking ourselves positive questions like “What can I do differently next time?” provides a thoughtful role model for children. Even better, ask your family to offer their answers to self-nurturing questions like “What makes me feel uplifted?” “What did I do today that left me appreciating myself?” “Why do I feel grateful?” When can help the world learn the art of asking loving questions by starting in our own homes and classrooms.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

A mother sits on the floor playing with her young daughter in the aisle of the children’s section at Barnes and Noble. The gentle sounds of their games, mostly giggling over counting the little girl’s toes, or pretending to make animal noises while looking at a picture book, are nurturing. It’s easy to tell from their play that mom would be able to entice her child to leave the store in a fun way. It wouldn’t surprise me if scientists announced that watching happy play transforms brain chemistry, making us more pliable and loving. In the meantime, we know for sure how much having fun together contributes to our relationships with children.

Want your child to cooperate? Get down on the floor and ask, “What should we play?” or “What should I be?” if he is already engaged in fantasy play. Engaging in the themes your child wants to explore creates closeness in your relationship. Those feelings of intimacy fuel your child’s desire to please you and comply with your requests. Most of us actually know this. However, our busy lives eclipse that awareness. If your child starts acting grumpy or defiant, try asking yourself, “How often am I joining my child in play?” Playing boosts cooperation far more effectively and with more long-lasting results than lecturing, punishment, or even positive activities like driving together or going shopping for a new toy.

As adults we often have resistance to play and feel guilty we don’t play more. Getting down to play when we step in the door from a long day at work can feel like being pulled into a rushing river that drags us away from everything we need to do. As one mother said, “I just want a time to change my clothes and take off my jewelry and make dinner.” If we’ve had a day full of difficult interactions, our minds probably yearn for the quiet non-engagement of routine tasks. Yet stopping to play for a few minutes may save amps of energy the rest of the evening because our attention has made them more cooperative.

To make a gradual switch away from work stresses, listen to soothing CDs on the way home in the car. If you pick your child up from school, start playing words games on the way home. Count the number of red cars you see or play an alphabet game with license plates with older children. “Who can find an ‘A’?” “Now we have to locate a ‘B’!”

Even when you’re exhausted, “acting as if” you feel playful will change your mood and your child’s. You can create lighthearted moments even while making dinner. Bring toys into the kitchen. Set up homework at the kitchen table.

Did your parents play with you? Perhaps you can remember how putting aside their concerns to have a good time made you feel valued. When parents play with children, it actually gives energy to the child’s construction of a separate “self.” Without that positive energy input, it can be difficult for children to create a strong identity or the ability to regulate emotions.

Children do better processing anger and frustration when we participate in their play or at least show acceptance of their fantasies. Let your child play baby or mommy or growling mountain lion without censure. Play is the safe way to learn to process feelings unless your child starts hurting someone. Many games have components that teach self-regulation – even simple ones like tag or Duck, Duck, Goose. Men often play with children more physically, giving positive sensory stimulation unless the games are over-exciting, scary, or someone is liable to get hurt.  It’s important for any parent engaging in roughhousing to tell the child that wrestling isn’t allowed at school. At The Meher Schools, we don’t allow any play that threatens or hurts other children.

The promise of play is a great motivator for children. “We can play checkers after you clean up.” “We’ll have time for five minutes of acrobatics if you’re ready for school on time.” Play also spurs learning. Try creating a store, restaurant, or hospital with a young child and witness all the concepts you can explore. Play chess, Scrabble, or Pictionary with older children rather than video games so you have to look at each other and communicate about your strategies. Children need your attention more than electronic energy.

Finally, play creates loving memories. Few children will look back as adults and say, “I loved that evening watching TV with mom.”  However, an evening walk under the moon pretending to be bears or forest rangers rest pleasantly in a person’s mind for a lifetime.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

For the past several years, we have published an article I wrote on playdate safety in our school’s weekly newsletter. We want to ensure that parents use sensible guidelines when allowing their child to visit someone else’s home. We share ideas about this subject because the notion of children needing to have playdates is relatively recent. According to Wikipedia, the word playdate is a late-20th century invention. When I first heard someone allude to making a playdate for her young child, it sounded like something artificial. Before the term was created, children just went to each other’s houses to play. Parents knew the families of their children’s friends and could generally assume that they held the same values.

Of course, with the complexity of parent schedules, children’s enrichment activities, and the general hectic pace of life, get-togethers with other families have to pre-planned. One more thing on a parent’s to-do list. The closest experience to the free play of neighborhoods in the past is our playgrounds in the afternoon. When parents work all day and pick up their children from daycare in the late afternoon, they often confess that they don’t have time to get their children together with classmates. Weekends are for family time.

Much has been written about the potential awkwardness of playdates when people don’t know each other and the casual relationship of two children is put under parental scrutiny. One mother reported that her four-year-old daughter and play-mate partner fought the whole time they were at the park, making it hard to know what to say. As children get older and feel confident visiting a school-mate’s house alone, other factors come in to play. One mom said, “I had no idea the parents were letting nine-year-old boys watch R-rated movies when they got together.” She didn’t know the family and never thought to ask about their entertainment choices.

Of course, playdates can also be wonderful. Many parents make friends because their children like to spend time together. As people get to know each other through their children, a sense of community develops among parents whose children are in the same class. Families socialize and even go on vacation together and children form lasting bonds. One delightful aspect of these relationships is that they so often involve people of different ethnicities and geographic backgrounds. Families who don’t have extended family nearby create solid support systems. As children get older, however, and spend time alone at other homes, we again feel it’s important to for families to be clear with each other about guidelines.

At The Meher Schools or any school, parents shouldn’t assume that families have the same attitudes about computer use, the appropriateness of television and movie choices, or supervision. Children may be left with an older sibling or uncle who thinks letting children use a computer by themselves or watch a movie aimed at adults is cool. Though it may seem awkward to ask about issues that imply another parent lacks judgment, parents are ultimately responsible for their children’s safety and emotional well-being. Learning to bring up these practical concerns without judgment is an important skill to develop now. In middle school and high school, parents have to join with other parents to set limits.

That doesn’t mean that people have to change their lifestyles for their children to have a social life. They only need to agree on what will happen when the children are at each other’s houses. One mother made an agreement with her neighbor not to let her son watch TV at her house, and the boys remained friends for years while maintaining these parameters. Through our children we can learn to accept that people have different values and learn to communicate openly about them, a process that expands our own thinking and provides children with modeling of how to do that too.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

Some preschool children brought up the subject of “getting spanked.” One girl said that her sister always gets spankings for being mean to her. Another asked, “Why don’t teachers spank?” It was such a good question that I turned it around. I asked the girls why they thought teachers don’t spank children. One girl said, “Because they’re not moms.” Another added, “At school, you don’t really get in trouble. Only at home.” I reassured them that teachers at our school would never spank a child, and they nodded knowingly.

The discussion of spanking extended into Circle Time with a delightful matter-of-factness. Adults are liable to take strong positions or get agitated in a discussion about the pros and cons of spanking. (“My parents spanked me and it made me a better person.”) However, the preschoolers loved having a sharing time about the way they get disciplined. They declared just as proudly that they get spanked as they were to say, “I get sent to my room.” We (the teachers) weren’t concerned about whether the children were making things up. If we asked how many children have ever ridden on an elephant, most of them would raise their hands (when in fact there is probably only one child who has). We were fascinated by the children’s desire to talk about their parents’ behavior-management techniques, and their comfort in doing so.

It seems especially refreshing for children to live in a place and a time when children would assume a teacher would never physically punish them and feel safe to ask questions so openly. California put a law into effect against corporal punishment in schools on January 1, 1987, but it is still legal in 23 states. Prior to the California law, it was not uncommon to see a teacher hit a child, sit him forcefully into a chair, or even force-feed a young child refusing to eat. Parents would tell teachers in the morning, “Give him a spanking if he isn’t good!” Thankfully, the notion of “not being good,” which could mean anything, faded when California public school teachers were banned from using corporal punishment.

Try to imagine how different the atmosphere in a classroom is in California today, when children needn’t fear that a mistaken behavior might result in paddling or rough handling. Would the open communication displayed by our preschoolers be the same if they had to fear us hitting them? One of the unspoken reasons that classrooms are different today might be that teachers who know that they can’t resort to physical “punishment” don’t allow themselves to get into an angry state that might lead to physical actions. In our school, teachers also work hard not to fall back on anger as a discipline method.

Professionals generally warn against spanking in anger or with the intent to punish rather than teach. It’s confusing to children when their trusted caregivers suddenly turn on them and express their anger in painful ways like yelling or hitting. Experts against corporal punishment say that spanking teaches physical aggression as the solution to frustration. Rather than launch into a debate about physical discipline as right or wrong, it seems healthier to ask questions that help us reflect on our own patterns.

Parents who spank, at least in affluent communities in the Bay Area, may feel a little shy about talking to other parents or teachers about their methods. Learning together means trusting each other. We can start by questioning ourselves because our children will question us. When spanking was the norm, children knew that their friends endured the same punishment. Today children grow up to ask parents about childhood experiences – a step forward from authoritarian times when parents were right no matter what.

Teachers are always reflecting on their management techniques, and it’s helpful when we can share perspectives so we can work together for the loving benefit of the child. Does the discipline technique you use change your child’s behavior? Are you and your child able to talk about problem behavior and work through solutions, an approach that becomes more necessary as children get older? Asked if being sent to his room when he’s acting up helps him, a four-year-old said, “Yes, it does.” Self-reflection and dialogue with others helps us all to keep growing.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

The anticipation of school starting affects grown-ups as well as children. One mostly- stay-at-home father told me how excited he is about his preschooler starting school. I commented that many parents feel relieved when school begins. Years ago, when there was a pastry shop on Boulevard Way, friends and I celebrated the first day of elementary school by laughing and eating pastry. However, this enthusiastic father explained that his happiness about school was anticipating the joy that his son would experience being part of a classroom with other children. He said, “It has nothing to do with wanting him to be away from home.”

Shortly after that, I heard a different perspective, from the mother of a fourth-grader. “I can’t wait for my son to get back to school. He calls me three times a day at work when he’s home with the babysitter. He’s a little nervous about going into a new grade so he’s become clingy. It’s so out of character for him.”

Beginning a new school year reminds us that people’s feelings vary at different stages of development and sometimes the best thing we can do is talk about them.

It’s alright to be happy and a little sad about your child starting a new grade. Kindergarten parents often have the hardest transition. They are no longer invited to follow their children into the classroom and stand around chatting with the teacher. For most parents, beginning kindergarten is a significant rite of passage. Don’t feel bad if you cry in the hall. As one mother said, “Now it’s kindergarten, next it will be a car.”

I still remember a stay-at-home father crying in the preschool yard when his daughter went off to play independently. “She won’t need me anymore,” he said through his tears. I was so happy he could express those transitory feelings that suddenly replaced worrying about how she would adjust. Of course, the other side of these natural feelings is that you are creating a bigger “family” for your child – more people to have loving relationships with and to trust.

It’s normal for children to have mixed feelings about beginning a new year. For our new preschoolers, it’s all about expanding into a magical new world but learning to leave one’s parent behind. Eventually, the preschool class becomes like a second home. In elementary school, children may be overflowing with excitement about seeing friends. On the other hand, they may also be wondering about relating to a new teacher or how they will meet the expectations of a new grade. No matter how welcoming the school or how supportive the teachers, change usually brings some intensity.

A third grader just told me, “I’m just not ready for summer to be over and school to start.” Why not have her suggest little things that would make her feel ready? This is the time to talk about adjustment. We can also remind children during the first few weeks that change takes time. Listen to what your children are saying and validate their feelings. Share perspectives with other parents and gain new insights. Staying conscious of the steps of leaping into fall makes us more alive and present so these precious moments don’t pass us by.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

“You’re my president,” a three-year-old told her mother during all the excited talk about inauguration. What wisdom! She looks to her mom to keep her safe just as we rely on our president to preserve the Constitution and our country. Parents often feel challenged to keep their children secure in this changing world. But people today are also more psychologically astute about reducing anxiety in their children. In the past, parents often threatened children to motivate them to stay safe. Remember the boogey man? Amy Tan describes her mother’s fear-instilling techniques in her bestselling memoir, The Opposite of Fate: “If you don’t look both ways crossing the street, you’ll be smashed flat like a sand dab.”

One popular threat was warning children to keep a distance from people who seem “other.” A young Caucasian girl interviewed outside her recently integrated school in the 1950s spoke fearfully: “If only we could have another group come to our school. Black people are so different than we are.” We live during the birth of an age when we will teach children compassionate identification with humanity, promoting feelings of unity.

Psychiatrist and Harvard professor Robert Coles won a Pulitzer Prize for writing about the courage of six-year-old Ruby Bridges, who marched through a threatening crowd to integrate her all-white New Orleans elementary school in 1960. He discovered that her grandmother (her president) taught Ruby to understand that the people who hissed and threatened her life were simply afraid of change. Ruby’s grandmother taught her to pray for the people while she walked through the crowd.

Helping children to find courage builds their sense of security. Parents can build bravery by noticing situations when children call on their inner strength. “That was hard for you to tell the teacher what happened. Being honest takes a lot of courage.” Parents can also arm children with tools to handle anxiety like breathing deeply or practicing statements to protect themselves, like “I don’t like to be teased.”

Indeed, one of the powerful ways to combat fear is learning to say the right words to ourselves. “I don’t need to be afraid,” we can tell ourselves. “I can handle this.” Recently one of our moms taught her daughter to talk to herself with these words when she was afraid during the night: “My mommy loves me; my mommy takes care of me.” Saying these words helped her go back to sleep and rest peacefully throughout the night.”

Children need that peace of mind and tender images that nourish their beings. Parents provide children with their first windows to the world and protection from negative influences. Hearing about horrifying events on the evening news or watching exciting, scary movies can propel children toward the adrenaline rush of fear. However, learning to talk to themselves and others in clear and confident ways seeds their abilities to feel safe and act wisely in the world.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.