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The Curse Of The Second-Born Child

The Curse of the Second Born Child

The curse of the second-born child typically results in years of struggle and pain-in-the-assery.

In my seven years of motherhood, I’ve seen the gamut of familial combinations. After several years of astute observation, I began to notice that most families have a pattern of personality and birth order.

I’m not a psychiatrist or therapist, but my introspective nature allows me to understand the nature of things in a pretty analytical and supremely fancy way. In this particular case study that I’ve been inadvertently conducting over the past seven years, my findings indicate that there is a certain condition that occurs in 94.7 percent of families. I call it The Curse of the Second-Born Child.

The Curse of the Second-Born Child is nothing to be ashamed of; all it really means is that the child born into this birth order is typically a huge pain in the ass.

I feel that I have particular expertise on this subject as both I and my very own second-born child are victims of this terrible curse; we are both extreme pains in the ass and have engaged in some serious assh*lery over the years. You might be wondering if your family will fall prey to this unfortunate condition, or maybe you’re already a victim but in deep denial about the truth of it all.

Here are five indicators that this curse has befallen your unsuspecting family.

  1. The second-born child shows a propensity towards mischief.

The shenanigans that occur in the life of a second-born range from funny to infuriating. Diaper cream smeared into carpet, walls graffitied by markers, farts in unsuspecting faces… You never know what might be next, and as they age, mischief can take on epic proportions.

At the tender age of 13, a second-born I know snuck out of the house, went to the local country club and peed in the large water jugs on the tennis courts. Who knows how many thirsty tennis players drank her urine that next day. What an assh*le. I am truly ashamed of her.

  1. The oldest sibling wants nothing to do with the second-born child.

The first-born child really gets screwed in these situations, as she is most often the target of a second-born’s tomfoolery. She typically displays great restraint and maturity in her everyday life, but enter the second-born and she mutates into a crazy person.

She reaches desperate levels of hysteria as stuff from her room mysteriously disappears; she wails in despair when her assh*le sibling teases her relentlessly. She resorts to extreme measures to protect herself from her tidal wave of a sibling; it isn’t a pretty scene for her and she will suffer for a looooong time.

  1. Pets run like hell when they see the second-born coming.

Docile dogs everywhere tuck tail and flee rather than engage with a second-born child. Even the most starved for attention prefer the company of a thunderstorm to The Cursed One. From mild physical abuse to emotional warfare, no pet is safe from a young child under the influence of this curse.

Another second-born I know said they used to dangle their cat from the second story balcony so that the cat would “hug” her as it was pulled to safety. I’m sure that person is very sorry now, but what a f*cking assh*le.

  1. Bedtime for the second-born takes 10 to 120 minutes longer than it does for everyone else.

This is perhaps when the most unspeakable sh*t goes down in a household possessed by the curse. Parents will be driven to dangerous levels of insanity, anger and hopelessness as they endure an endless loop of battle of the wills. The number of times the second-born climbs out of the crib, comes out of their room or refuses to go to bed, times the level of exhaustion of the parent, equals the level of bad sh*t that happens.

The most even-tempered and sweet parent might fantasize about drop-kicking their toddler out of the window like a f*cking football. A non-cursing mother might scream out, “Go the F*CK to sleep you motherfuuuuuucker!” as her four-year-old stares at her with defiance.

  1. Stubborn takes on a whole new meaning.

If you’ve fallen victim to one of the most classic blunders, engaging in a battle of wills with a second-born child, my heart goes out to you. Most participants will either lose or die. No matter the age, people under the influence of this curse are notoriously stubborn and would prefer to chew off their own arm than give in to their opponent.

Battles typically ensue when someone wants a second-born to do something. From brushing teeth to doing homework, should a second-born sense that you have anything at all invested in the outcome of your desire, suit up and prepare for a battle of epic proportions.

The curse of the second-born child typically results in years of struggle and pain-in-the-assery for all involved, but should you or someone you love be affected by this, there is a bright side.

A cursed second-born has something special that sets them apart: a heart the size of the sun. She loves with ferocity, washing away the anger she inspired minutes ago with one precious look. Take heart, steel yourselves and expect the unexpected with these gems. They will forever mock your pain, but you will fall fast in love.

Jill is a freelance writer, sexual health educator, and mother of two girls. Her writing, which explores the nuances of parenthood, women’s issues, and sweary, inappropriate humor, seeks to facilitate change, challenge the norm, and bring laughter into the world. Her life-uncensored philosophy drives her stories and her stories chronicle the thoughts and feelings that define who she is on that particular day. She blogs at Totally Inappropriate Mom and can be found on Facebook and Twitter as well.

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Comments (32)

  1. Dee 07/28/2016 at 2:50 pm

    This sounds like more of the second born taking after his or her mother. My second born is a wonderful child and was way easier than her older sister. So I guess that label of the second child being a pain doesn’t stand up because I know of several other second born kids who are easier than their siblings.

  2. AndyP 07/28/2016 at 1:04 am

    I’m the oldest, my brother the second and baby of my family. Totally reverse for us. I was the hell raiser getting into everything and getting him in trouble…I feel a tiny bit bad as I’ve grown older but we laugh now and he’s bigger than me and I can’t pick on him anymore with out getting my ass kicked. Totally agree with this article when it comes to my own kids however! My little girl is such a little mischief maker and it’s only going to get worse she’s 10 now! She’s a daredevil and picks on my older son relentlessly poor guy! But the ending was the best because my girl has a big heart full of love and pure of heart and when they turn on that smile you can’t stay mad for long. Love this and the reality of cussing for all you haters just because we write that our kids are assholes doesn’t mean we tell them to their face. Although sometimes when they’re older it needs to be said. Because they are assholes and put their mothers through hell. Peace and love y’all!!

  3. Emily 07/27/2016 at 9:28 am

    This is awesome!!! 100% I love this. I dint get why people put negative comments on here because there is no such thing as a perfect kid or parent. Cuss away

  4. Ana 07/24/2016 at 10:49 pm

    It would be nice read if there was appropriate language used in this article. It sounds awfull. I couldn’t even finish the article.

  5. Tj 07/23/2016 at 10:35 pm

    I thought the age gap between my kids would rule out the stereotype of the middle child. I have a 12 year old daughter, 2 year old son and 10 month old son. The middle child is everything and more like mentioned in your article and I have taken into consideration the terrible twos but this kid is intelligent. Very intelligent beyond his 2 short years. God help me lol. Hubby and I are both first borns.

  6. J9 07/22/2016 at 8:56 pm

    Haha!! This article killed it!! And #4&5 totally describes my second born. Obviously not every family is the same (referring to all those who disagree with the article) but for us who can relate, it is sure nice to know that there are others dealing with this!! My first is a boy and second a girl- and third is a boy. I’d love some perspective on what to expect with this third one (currently 4 months and so far awesome) since the second one was such a challenge.

  7. Lance 07/22/2016 at 2:50 pm

    I’m second born, but the descriptions don’t fit(except for the mischevious).

    The baby book for the first child is filled with photographs. The baby book for the second child is filled with good intentions.

    • Kelly 07/22/2016 at 6:42 pm

      Totally true, and the third child really gets left out.

  8. Nicole 07/22/2016 at 10:57 am

    OMG I love this! This fits my middle child to a “T”. She is the most huggable lovable child but she is my little shit disturber! lol She will be the one who will come home as a teenager and show, me her new tattoo. Everyday is an adventure with her and I love her for that and also pull my hair out because of it too.

    Thank you for your humorous writing!

  9. Fd 07/22/2016 at 10:49 am

    Omg, you totally hit the nail on the head in this family! That describes my Evan perfectly!
    [email protected]

  10. Dee 07/22/2016 at 10:19 am

    Looking back I find your opinion to be contrary to my own. Being second myself and having the most cooperative GD I have seen first-horns to be riskier albeit more outgoing. Anyway, besides not agreeing with your opinion I find your language to be unbecoming of an educated professional (if you are indeed that). I won’t be coming back for more.

    • Tj 07/23/2016 at 10:38 pm

      Seriously? Educated you say? Did you ready the part about not being psychiatrist or therapist? Or doesn’t your education include comprehension?

  11. Ashley 07/22/2016 at 5:53 am

    This is such BS my second born is my sweetest child … He listen better then my first. But o dont think it matters when a child is born . it is all going to depend on there attitude and parenting

  12. Mandy 07/22/2016 at 1:20 am

    I clicked on this link thinking it would be an intelligent opinion piece, but I guess I was tricked into reading nonsense. I understand that the author is a second born child and is a mother of one, but none of this rant appears justified. As a second born child and a therapist myself I would like to know where the statistics at the beginning of the article come from!? I would also like to know why the vulgar language was deemed necessary?! Perhaps to trick others into believing a view with little empirical evidence?!

  13. Mamalade 07/21/2016 at 6:50 pm

    I am the 2nd child and the most responsible and well behave among the 3. It depends on situation and upbringing.

  14. Rachael 07/19/2016 at 9:21 am

    Damn funny article…my second born is zero of the above 5 and is still a complete a**hole. At 13, I’ve taken to prefacing his discipline with “I’m not raising an a**hole”. Thank you for the laugh.

  15. Mara 07/19/2016 at 9:03 am

    My mother sent me this article saying ‘This is you to a tee’. I giggled all the way through reading it as i can totally identify myself as a 2nd child being & doing all of this.

  16. Farheen Khan 07/19/2016 at 8:59 am

    Omg, I’m appalled and totally disagree! The last paragraph of this article cannot undo all the negativity this writer is placing on a second-born! I think the 2nd kid in line has a very difficult position in the family, more so if the first born is the same gender. Constantly having to “keep up”, stand up for themselves, and as they mature, these second-born tend to also become peace-keepers, trying constantly to maintain balance and make sure everyone is happy. These precious 2nd kids, often also the middle child, have a pretty difficult but treasured position in the family.

  17. Paola 07/18/2016 at 1:06 pm

    Not everybody is the same! I have 3 boys, and my second child is an angel. He is very sweet with his brothers and very obedient at school and at home. I am a second child and I never caused my parents the trouble you mentioned.

  18. Amber 07/18/2016 at 10:55 am

    I have four boys that are now 21, 20, 19 & 18. Let me tell you about my two middle ones. The third one this describes his whole life😊 My second one was an angel until he graduated high school. He is now everything you described. I’m hoping that the foundation that they were given comes back to them My oldest and youngest are doing just fine

  19. S 07/18/2016 at 4:19 am

    Bad, bad, bad use of cussing!!! Intelligent people utilize proper words & not cuss words about their child!!! Did NOT finish reading nor post to other intelligent people!

    • Bw 07/18/2016 at 7:57 pm

      That’s just like … your opinion man

  20. Sharon 07/18/2016 at 1:58 am

    YES!!! This is totally my experience with my two girls.

  21. Cindi 07/17/2016 at 11:43 pm

    This may be the truth for your family. But not most. Is this the second child out of two or three or four?

    From my experience with having three children and reading many studies on this. None of this makes any sense. Maybe in your world but not those of most.

  22. Kimberly 07/17/2016 at 11:34 pm

    Not in our case, our second child is God sent.

  23. RS 07/17/2016 at 9:18 pm

    This holds true more for cases where there are two girls or two boys less than 3 years apart… Exponential looney!

  24. Tarrah 07/17/2016 at 5:56 am

    I do believe some of this article but this article sound more Like my first born (only child) then it does me and I am a second child! I personally feel as I was growing up in got the short end of the stick. My older sister got everything new, I ended up with her hand me downs and my younger brother being the baby boy got away with everything. Yes I was a trouble maker because I wanted the attention they were getting and the only way I knew how was to be a brat!

  25. Christian 07/17/2016 at 5:28 am

    I think some of this s gender based, and it switches up depending on if you have mixed genders. So often I’ve seen the oldest girl become a sociopathic domineering manipulative asshole, for their whole lives. Wanting to control everyone they come in contact with.

  26. Anon 07/16/2016 at 9:19 pm

    I feel like a first born wrote this in spite

  27. Karen 07/16/2016 at 6:47 pm

    This is our first born. Second born 10 times easier.

  28. Elizabeth Morin 07/16/2016 at 6:02 pm

    This doesn’t ring true in our house at all. The first born is a complete asshole, 2nd kid easy from the day they were born, still is, honor student, great demeanor, even when 2nd born is feeling down they never took it out on anyone the way first born did. First born seems to have severe entitlement issues..
    Second born has a whole new outlook and happy demeanor note that first born has moved out.

  29. Amber 07/14/2016 at 7:59 am

    This has been true so far in our household! My daughter (second born) is way more work and way more trouble than my three other children. But at the same time she charms the socks off of all she meets.