There are a gaggle of books about pregnancy, and some about how to get your kid to sleep, and maybe a few about how to discipline the little angels. But what’s not mentioned? A lot, apparently.
1. If you have a V-delivery, you may probably definitely pee yourself when you sneeze. Or cough. Or decide to hop onto your neighbor’s trampoline.
2. You may lose a wig worth of hair several months after having the kid, and then go through several more months of weird short hairs sticking out from under the longer hair. It’s very flattering.
3. Worrying about your baby or toddler’s eating and toilet habits will be WAY more stressful than you can fathom.
4. Potty training is a total pain. And then one day you run out of diapers and don’t ever buy them again.
5. Everyone who recommends a weekly date night is totally crazy and totally right.
6. Budget for a babysitter and find 3 reliable ones to keep in your arsenal.
7. If you don’t figure out how to discipline your adorable little kid, he or she will grow up to be a bigger kid who you also don’t know how to discipline. Set limits early and set you both up for a better life.
8. Dirt is good. There is a difference between dirt and germs.
9. The longer you wait to [take away the pacifier, stop co-sleeping, introduce non-Kraft brand food], the harder it will be.
10. If you feel like something isn’t right with your kid and everyone else says he’s fine, listen to you gut and get him seen, screened, diagnosed, tested, or whatever you feel needs to be done. Anything.
11. Most of the time, even your tough dad will become a soft, melty grandpa-guy around your baby.
12. You might cry a little when you read Goodnight Moon, Harold and the Purple Crayon, or The Runaway Bunny.
13. Seeing your kid do something new, learn something new, sleep, or smile will make you cry.
14. People without kids, or without multiple kids, or without kids like your kids, will judge you and your kids. At some point, you’ll probably judge them too.
15. Watching a movie 150 times isn’t that bad as long as your kid is happy and you sway the decision early on.
16. An 18-month-old will repeat your cuss words. A 5-year-old will ask for clarification.
17. Flying in an airplane with a 1-year-old is a terrible idea. They don’t understand why they can’t move, crawl, and walk, and will instead scream.
18. Your kids and your kids’ dad, together? The. Cutest.
19. Being a parent will be the most confidence shattering experience of your life.
20. Being a parent will be the most confidence boosting experience of your life.