Erica is a writer, editor, wife, and mom. She has always found employment with an English degree and she excels at nurturing children and animals but struggles to keep houseplants alive. Erica currently writes at SidewaysQ.com

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It Hurts Like Crazy

The other night at about two a.m., my little boy called out, “Daddy! Daddy…” and my husband got out of bed to go soothe the little guy.  I lay in bed and cried, quietly dabbing tears on the flat sheet and trying not to sniff when said husband crawled back into bed.  He returned to sleep and I cried until I screamed inwardly at myself to stop.  Sometime later I too fell asleep.

Normally I might be grateful that one of our kids picked my husband out of slumber and not me, but the last two years haven’t felt very normal to me.  Right now I have the flu and everyone deals with that at some point.  But it’s coming after two weeks of the best health I’ve had in a long time, and I feel like I got clotheslined twenty feet off the starting line.

What I’ve dealt with in the last few years isn’t nearly as serious as cancer or tragic accidents, but it’s the constant start-stop-start-stop that’s exhausting.  Each time something else ails me, I’m distanced from my kids.  Many times due to contagion, and a few times due to surgery that prevents me from picking them up for a month at a time.

When my kid is hurt and crying and reaching arms up to Mama and I just stand there offering a hug but nothing nearly as comforting as a full hold, it makes my stomach turn.  Eventually, they automatically turn to Grammy or Daddy.

Mama’s sick.  She’s hurt.

I’ll do what I can, but that thing you want?  I can’t.  Running, swinging, spur-of-the-moment fun is not my game now.  Ask someone else.  And you don’t understand, so you cry.  We cry.

Last month, the pitter-patter of nighttime feet padded down the hall to my parents in the guest room, rather than to my bed.  The other night, it was calling out to Daddy.

My older boy comes home from school and gets serious, quiet.  “How are you feeling, Mama?”  Very sweet and concerned.  Breaks my heart.

I’m beyond thankful for the people in our world who love my kids whole-heartedly.  I am not blind to the fact that one of these days, I’ll be well and fed up on a particular day and feel ready to get out by myself.  But today, today I miss my kids.

They’re just down the hall, but I miss them.

It hurts like crazy.

 

No direct photo credit found.

 

Other posts…

Girls Night Out Becomes A Fight for Life

That Phone Call You’ve Been Dreading Your Entire Life

 

 

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Comments (11)

  1. Pingback: One Resolution: Be Triatomic Hydrogen TodaysMama

  2. Lindsey 01/04/2012 at 11:25 pm

    I love you- you are amazing!!

  3. Erin Oltmanns 01/04/2012 at 9:09 pm

    You are a wonderful mom! I hope you feel better soon. 2012 is YOUR YEAR. I just know it. 🙂

  4. Shannon Nelson 01/04/2012 at 12:42 pm

    This makes my heart hurt! Feel better girl, I’m sending you good juju…xo

  5. Carrie Finlinson 01/04/2012 at 12:34 pm

    Oh!What a tender mom you are! I hope you start feeling strong again soon. I hope sorrow like you have now will make better times that much sweeter for you.

  6. Jen 01/04/2012 at 12:23 pm

    Sending prayers and hugs your way, Erica! I’m believing God for a healthy 2012 for you. I love how your boy is concerned about his mama. 🙂

  7. Katie 01/04/2012 at 10:52 am

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.

    I get very depressed when I’m sick in bed and mostly helpless to my children. These moments haunt a mama’s heart. They make you think of the impossible; they make you think of mothers who are terminally ill; mothers who so badly wanted a child of their own and could not so they become mothers in other ways, and you feel guilty for having so much, after all, it’s just a hiccup of a time in the big picture. But, hurt is hurt.

    Hope you feel better asap so you can love all over those kiddos of yours.

  8. Melissa 01/04/2012 at 10:12 am

    I can so relate to missing your kids when they’re “right down the hall.” When they become teenagers life gets so busy for them and really cuts into family time. You are so wise to enjoy all the moments you can! 🙂

  9. Karen 01/04/2012 at 9:56 am

    I have been there myself. I am sorry. It does hurt and not many people understand. (7 surgeries in 14 years + flu twice + vertigo and now Fibromyalgia)….I know that things will get better…but I still wonder if my kids think I am fragile like china and will break easily.

  10. Jenny Crozier 01/04/2012 at 9:52 am

    Oh I’m so sorry. I know this pain. There’s none like it. Your love will shine through the pain of sickness, your warmth will be felt through the coldness of sorrow. You are mom. No one else can be mom!

  11. Amy Allen Johnson 01/04/2012 at 9:51 am

    Hang in there.. they still need you just as you need them. They’re lucky to have such an insightful mama in the first place. Hugs to you!