Carina has been typing on the internets before there was a www in front of everything. This is why she’s cranky and wants to know when you’ll get off her lawn. She resides in a hopelessly outdated home in the Mountain West with a mathematician and three children hell-bent on destruction. Her laundry is not done, but her Twitter is totally up to date. Carina does not have a Tumblr, because get serious.

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I Hate His Shorts

I am going to confess something to you:

 

I hate my husband’s shorts.

Old Navy denim shorts

Not his cargo shorts (although those are questionable) but his denim shorts. His “jean” shorts. Those awful half pants. Those super casual and sloppy-looking carpenter jean shorts. You see, I’m of the same opinion as Alex Balk over at The Awl, which is to say, Men should not wear shorts, or, at the very least, Choire Sicha who deliniates when men should wear shorts (rarely! Never denim!)

 

I’m the first to admit that I am overly-formal in a lot of ways. I don’t like flip flops. I won’t put my boys in sleeveless shirts. I prefer heels and won’t leave the house in yoga pants unless I am going to yoga. And I hate jean shorts.

My husband’s jean catastrophe happens every night when he gets home from work and all weekend long. Sometimes he asks me, “Hey! Have you seen my jean shorts?” and every time I want to respond with “I sent them to Hell to burn forever in the fires that should consume all jean shorts.” Instead I cheerfully pipe, “Nope!”

Lately his beloved pair of faded blue glory are coming literally undone. If there’s anything worse than a pair of denim shorts on a man it’s frayed, discolored, and torn denim shorts. He’s asked me to get him a new pair. What if I tell him they’ve stopped making them? He’d have to go to a store or website to prove me wrong, and I don’t see that happening. Can you conscientiously object from participating in shopping?

Naturally, I wonder what item in my wardrobe he really hates. Are they the worn threadbare brown velour pants that are not maternity, yet I have worn to two births? The wide gray palazzo pants I scored for $2.98 at Target? The brightly-colored blousy shirt that’s too big and baggy? He’s nice enough that he hasn’t mentioned my detested wardrobe, so I don’t mention his; it’s what marriage is all about.

 

What about you, is there an item in your partner’s wardrobe that should be banished to the Isle of Corfu?

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Comments (7)

  1. kimberlee 03/19/2013 at 2:19 pm

    My husband did tell me once he didn’t like a top of mine because it looked like something my mom would wear. He was right. I got rid of it right away.
    I also got rid of something of his. He went clothes shopping with his friend (my husband does not do that, but I guess he wanted fashion help from his friend). He came back with a pathetic shirt, I cannot believe his friend let him get it!! The sleeves were way too short, not flattering at all and it was too short, my husband is tall. After a couple of weeks I hid it in the bottom of the closet and then after a few more weeks of him not asking what happened to it, I donated it. LOL

  2. Allison Randall 08/08/2011 at 3:14 pm

    I hate those denim half-pants, too. I’m glad somebody else feels the same way. I like my hubby’s skinny pale legs in his cut-off slacks and converse (no socks) but I know that we’re just reliving our grunge days. Any person, man or woman should not try to rock shorts if they have kankles… there are other fashion solutions.

  3. TOM 08/08/2011 at 1:43 pm

    What about those full length T shirts women like to wear as their casual, after hour, dress down, lets get comfortable look. I have always hated my wife’s but could not bring myself to mention it. She had a favorite robin egg blue one that she wore forever. It eventually got torn on a hook or something. It’s gone the vibes live on.

  4. Erin Oltmanns 08/02/2011 at 6:52 pm

    I don’t hate any of my husband’s clothing…probably because my Mom and I buy all of it. Last year for Christmas, my Mom gave my husband a few pairs of jeans and an awesome fleece jacket. She gave me towels.

  5. Kalli 08/02/2011 at 3:11 pm

    Denim man shorts are part of why children in Africa are starving to death, I just know it. We should burn every pair and never make them again.

    P. has some really dumb shirts, REALLY dumb shirts, some of which magically found their way into a DI bag. What?

  6. CoolPlaygroundMommy 08/02/2011 at 10:00 am

    Hilarious! My hubby had the same pair. I think I ended up giving them away.

  7. Erica Fehrman 08/02/2011 at 7:22 am

    YES. My husband’s old sneakers that he uses for yard work and light construction projects are absolutely hasmat-worthy. They’re so old and grass stained that they almost look moldy. I banish them to the garage.