Carina has been typing on the internets before there was a www in front of everything. This is why she’s cranky and wants to know when you’ll get off her lawn. She resides in a hopelessly outdated home in the Mountain West with a mathematician and three children hell-bent on destruction. Her laundry is not done, but her Twitter is totally up to date. Carina does not have a Tumblr, because get serious.

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Today’s MILF

Are you Stacy’s Mom? Do you have it going on?

 

It seems that today’s moms are a little more stylish and body conscious than moms of old. After all, 40 is the new 30; we’re taking pride in our look. The days of muumuus and house coats are gone with home perms and compression socks. When I go to parent-teacher conferences at my kid’s school, it’s Louis Vuitton bags, perfectly coiffed ponytails, over-sized glasses, and knee high boots over jeans. These are moms who know how they look and know how to maintain it. I don’t see a pajama pant or sloppy T in the bunch–they’re Today’s MILFs.

The Housewives, both Real and Desperate, prove that you can be glamorous and a mom. Is it any wonder that 4 inch heels are de riguer during classroom volunteer time? That the elementary school talent show will be 80% Lady Gaga tribute numbers this year?

So here are a few pointers to being Today’s MILF:

  • Practice your wink. Start with the bag boy at the grocery store.
  • Drive a hot car. If you drive a minivan, make sure it’s a Swagger Wagon. Opt for yellow.
  • “Taking the kids to Disney” is a great euphemism for spending Spring break in the capable hands of your plastic surgeon.
  • Smartphone bling. Your smartphone needs to sport more flash than your glitter toes.
  • Nursing bras. Easy access is more fun for everyone.
  • Pick a palette. Make sure all your children’s clothing will match your wardrobe. Nothing is worse than a clashing child.
  • Tell people you have a “gluten-intolerance” so you can keep your figure trim.
  • How do you eat a strawberry? There’s a right way and a wrong way. Know which way is best for you.
  • If your Bugaboo gets an ounce of baby spit, it’s time to replace. (Just make sure it’s not an orange one; you’re not a hipster.)
  • Not sure how to act? Ask yourself WWBS: what would Britney Spears do.
  • Wear a shirt that says “MILF”. Subtlety is lost on the masses.
  • Have a daughter? Leopard, hot pink, ruffles, and “MILF in Training” shirts are all available starting in the 6-9 month range.
  • Jon Bon Jovi, Jon Bon Jovi, Jon Bon Jovi

What about you? Do you own it? How are you Today’s MILF?

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Comments (11)

  1. Shannon Nelson 04/04/2011 at 5:27 pm

    I’m dying a little bit….this is so funny!

  2. Lauren 04/04/2011 at 3:58 pm

    There’s an app for that.

  3. BreAnne 04/04/2011 at 1:46 pm

    Hysterical! I am proud to be part of Today’s MILF!

  4. Rachael Herrscher 04/04/2011 at 12:12 pm

    I’ve read this like 3 times now. And every time I read the nursing bra comment I laugh outloud!

  5. rani 04/03/2011 at 10:35 pm

    This has me rolling!!!!!

  6. Sarah Maizes 04/02/2011 at 11:19 am

    This was absolutely hilarious! And that’s my professional opinion. ha ha. Best, Sarah Maizes, Author of the humor book “Got Milf? The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great and Rocking a Minivan”

  7. Rachael 04/02/2011 at 6:55 am

    And I walk a line between amusement and street fighting that you put that picture in there! If it weren’t in the name of April Fools . . . (and you weren’t pregnant) . . . it would be ON. 😉

  8. Rachael 04/02/2011 at 6:54 am

    Nursing bras are a must!

  9. Petit Elefant 04/01/2011 at 5:40 pm

    I like my jeans extra tight with the super white stitching all down the side and all over my @ss. Extra sex appeal. Blingy pockets are bonus points.

    Glitter toes, glitter nails.

    Boob job mandatory.

    Purses with flowers are my fave.

    Cruises with the dh make my life so full of LOL and hotness, it’s like we’re totally single and scamming on each other. Makes me feel extra MILF-y.

    Tons of makeup. TONS! Always.

  10. nicolerivera 04/01/2011 at 4:12 pm

    I try to look like a MILF as much as possible, but when I think about running after my kids in heels I quickly change into my flats 🙂 I do love daisy dukes though, but it’s getting harder to make sure the cottage cheese stays away!

  11. Erica Fehrman 04/01/2011 at 11:22 am

    I wore red patent high heel pumps all day yesterday. I have a blister to prove it.