Tracy Beckerman is the author of a wildly popular syndicated humor column called LOST IN SUBURBIA and a hilarious new book “Rebel without a Minivan”. It's all about the funny side of kids, dogs, husbands, and life in the 'burbs!

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All That Glitters is – Glitter

When you have a daughter in the house, there is always the chance that you will end up covered in glitter.

I’m not sure why little girls are such fans of glitter, but they are.  Maybe like big girls, they like pretty, shiny things.  Glitter could be like training-bling, or something like that.

I suppose the retail industry must know this, which is why they put glitter on everything for girls these days. However, the problem with glitter, as everyone knows, is it comes off.  Everywhere.  On everything.  And when you have a kid who likes to wear things that are covered in glitter, it is likely that the rest of the family will end up wearing it too… whether they want to or not.

“Why is the dog glittering?” my husband asked as we noticed the dog sparkling in the sunlight.

“Oh, it’s the new dog glitter I bought him,” I said sarcastically.  “Doesn’t it make him look fancy?”

My husband gave me a dubious look.

“Really?”

“NO!  It came from our daughter’s new shirt that she got from a friend for her birthday.”  I held up the offending article of clothing that I had just retrieved from the wash.  I thought perhaps that washing it might loosen some of the excess glitter.  I gave the shirt a shake and glitter fluttered into the air.  Lots of glitter.  It looked like Tinkerbell had just swooped in and showered us with Fairy Dust.  I wondered if I should think happy thoughts to see if I could fly.  My first happy thought was to burn the glitter shirt.

The problem, of course, was, it wasn’t just the shirt.  She had glitterfied jeans, a glittered pocketbook, glitter socks and glitter sneakers (I admit, I bought her those… but that was before the rest of the glitter epidemic).  She even had spare glitter to add to her other glitter items in case they became less glittery over time. This seemed to be a distinct possibility since clearly, much of the glitter had fallen off the original glitter items and had settled on everything else in the house.

As I surveyed the increased glitterness in the room, it was clear that the washing theory didn’t hold up.  After I shook out the shirt there was more glitter on the couch, on my husband and on me.  I tried to brush the glitter off the couch and it flew back up into the air. My husband sneezed as glitter flew up his nose.

I wondered if Irreconcilable Glitter was grounds for divorce.

While my husband and I picked glitter off each other’s faces, my daughter entered the room and looked around.

“Why is everything all sparkly?” she asked.

“It’s glitter,” I said.

“Oh!  Are you redecorating again?” she asked enthusiastically.

“Yes,” I responded.  “Do you like it?”

She looked around.  “I like it on the couch and the rug.  But I don’t think it works on the dog.”

©2009, Beckerman.  All rights reserved.  For more Lost in Suburbia, visit Tracy Beckerman at www.lostinsuburbia.net, and check out her hilarious new book “Rebel without a Minivan” at Amazon and www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com

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Comments (3)

  1. amyallenjohnson 05/20/2010 at 1:46 pm

    My son was staring into my bathroom cupboard and asked, “Where is your body glitter, Mommy?” He'd recently been sneaking into 5 yo big sister's stash of makeup/body glitter and knew mommy must have some too. Love the story!

  2. raejean 05/20/2010 at 10:03 am

    I went through a glitter stage as an adult too. When I first started making cards, I glittered everything! Everyone but my husband enjoyed it 🙂

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