Tracy Beckerman is the author of a wildly popular syndicated humor column called LOST IN SUBURBIA and a hilarious new book “Rebel without a Minivan”. It's all about the funny side of kids, dogs, husbands, and life in the 'burbs!

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Do You Know the Muffin Top

Years ago when I went off to college, I really enjoyed the taste of my newfound freedom. Actually, I enjoyed it a little too much, packing on 15 pounds in my first semester. Little did I know at the time that my weight gain had a name. Yes, lucky me, I fell victim to a common college phenomenon known as The Freshman 15.

Unfortunately, The Freshman 15 stayed with me beyond college. However, I did finally lose the weight… just in time to get pregnant and put The Freshman 15 back on, along with another 45 pounds for good measure.

I was optimistic that I was part of another trend called The Baby 60. But sadly this was simply my own personal syndrome, otherwise known as the “Too Many Pop Tarts” weight gain.

I soon learned that contrary to popular opinion, chasing toddlers around the house does not burn off the weight you gain when you’re pregnant. Actually, it might work if not for the Mac and Cheese I consistently finished off my toddler’s plate. So, for a long time post-pregnancy I found myself sporting what is not-so-fondly known in mommy circles as a Baby Belly. Having already had the baby, it is clear that there is, obviously, no baby in the Baby Belly. It is the belly caused by having HAD the baby.

There are some women who lose their Baby Belly after about three months.

I don’t like them.

I had my Baby Belly right up until I got pregnant with my second child and got so attached to it, I kept it until the kids were nine and eleven, at which point you don’t call it a Baby Belly anymore, you just simply call it FAT.

Realizing I could no longer blame this bulge on college or kids, I decided the time had come to join a gym and declare war on the Baby Belly.

“OK ladies, let’s grab some weights and work on those Bat Wings,” said my Amazon fitness Instructor, Betty Biceps.

“I thought we were working on our Baby Belly,” I said.

“We’ll do the Baby Belly after the Bat Wings,” she explained.

“And what are the Bat Wings,” I asked naively.

“That’s the fat under your arms,” she said. The roomful of women flapped the loose skin under their triceps to demonstrate. It wasn’t pretty.

“Oh, wait,” said Betty. “I forgot. Before we do the Bat Wings, we need to work on our Muffin Tops.” I stared blankly.

“That’s the fat around your middle that rolls over the top of your jeans and makes your waist look like a muffin,” she explained. I pinched my muffin top. I think it was a corn muffin.

We started doing some jumping jacks until I was afraid we would take flight with our bat wings.

“If you add a lunge here, it will also help with your Banana Folds,” Betty shouted over the din of women jumping.

“And the Banana Folds are…” I queried.

“The band of fat on the back of your legs just below your derriere,” she yelled.

Looking in the mirror, I wondered what other food groups had been designated for some roll of fat on my body.

Finally, I stopped lunging and with my Baby Belly, my Bat Wings, my Muffin Top and my Banana Folds, I rolled up my yoga mat and walked to the door.

“Hey, where are you going,” called Betty.

“I’m going to get some breakfast,” I said. “All this talk about muffins and bananas is making me hungry.”


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